The fears that still hold me back
I started this Substack as a way of honoring my life, hence the title.
I felt like I couldn’t ask you or talk about encouraging any of you to do something that I was not doing myself. It’s important to me to walk the talk.
That is so important to me, but I think, actually I know, I hold myself back from things, thinking, I have to get better, or more refined, or more developed.
As a coach of mine once said, “You’re stuck in the expertise fallacy, thinking that you need more degrees, more certifications, and more information before you are ready.”
I think of it as, “before I FEEL my own self-efficacy;” or before I can prove myself to myself or, to you, dear reader, that I’m worthy of your time.
It’s a mindset stuck in this belief that somehow I have to affirm that what I have to say is valuable, with an attempt to make up for or replace the lack of an Ivy League degree, law degree, or being a Harvard Business Review article.
You get the picture.
I know this is the ego’s journey, and I am not alone.
All of our paths take different tracks and look different based on where we were born, who was around us, and what opportunities we did or didn’t have. The themes, however, of what makes us “human” and part of this shared humanity, we have a lot of things in common.
It’s the reason why when you catch one of those silly Instagram kitty videos with the sweetest little moment captured, or a baby cooing, or someone doing something wonderful for somebody else, your hearts want to explode. Do you know those videos? The feelings that flood to the surface?
No two snowflakes are alike, so our landscape will look different, and our filters will be skewed from one another, but what’s inside those themes of the human condition - to feel seen, heard, loved, and part of something bigger, that is what we share. That is where we can experience the likeness of another - even those that look nothing like you.
The fear that’s holding me back and I’m catching myself in with an acute awareness, is that I’m still somehow choosing to narrow my expression because of rejection or upsetting someone. That someone could be you who I don’t even know. Or my father or friend or an old boss or a C-level executive who said something to me leaving an indelible memory.
I’m declaring this as a way of coming back to the purpose of this dialogue here - which is to honor my life, to honor this part of my story too, even as uncomfortable and fearful as I may experience it to be.
A potent example for me would be bringing the dialogue of spirituality more present and part of everything that I do, speak, write, or build. The truth is, the spirit is infused, because it has been a part of me through a dedicated and devoted practice since 1998. I am holding back and have felt I had to, for a very long time through an editing of my speech, my ideas, my reflections, and myself.
I was afraid if I shared more of this part I wouldn’t be allowed back in the club. Some of those clubs I relied on for income.
I am expressing it here to support myself. I mean for this to be a way of “breaking the seal” of another (and hopefully last) layer of my not fully owning all of who I am.
My heartfelt wish is that this is helping you too. I don’t know about you, but every time I read or watch or see somebody being truly themselves, I am expanded and deeply inspired. Moreover, I don’t believe I have ever been more high, more elated, more fulfilled, more grateful, and feeling more blessed than when I witness authenticity.
So, a new journey begins. I am removing the filters of my life and going all in.
It’s been a long time coming.
Where are you editing, muting, or not being fully authentic?
It’s a worthy question to ponder.
Getting to the bottom of it and transcending it, is a BEAUTIFUL way to honor your life.
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